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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599999">Why be cruel to yourself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerialKillerQueen/pseuds/SerialKillerQueen'>SerialKillerQueen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finding what you need [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(Cousins who view each other as siblings), (James view of himself isn't entirely right), (mentioned) - Freeform, (this isn't a kink fic thanks), Adopted Sibling Relationship, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Disjointed, Evolving virus, Flashbacks, Gen, Inaccurate Science (probably), Mating Cycles/In Heat, Nightmares, Original Character-centric, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Seriously this is messed up please be careful, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Unreliable Narrator, anger issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:40:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerialKillerQueen/pseuds/SerialKillerQueen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>James is very angry at the world, he has his reasons.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Character &amp; Original Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finding what you need [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067354</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Why be cruel to yourself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have never written anything with non-con in it, whether implied or explicit, I hope my tags were accurate warnings. I don't know how graphically you'd say this counted as but it is a depiction of it, not just implied. Please be careful. I hope this came across as respectful to victims of sexual assault as I wanted it to, and not something I take lightly. Everyone take care of yourselves &lt;3<br/>(Some of this likely won't make sense on an initial read, that is intentional, I will explain certain things in the end notes).</p><p>Check the mycast for faceclaim references! Also click on each role for a little bio!<br/>https://www.mycast.io/stories/finding-what-you-need<br/>(I've been informed mycast won't let you click, go there to see their faceclaims and go here to see their bios!)<br/>https://icecreamraven.tumblr.com/bios</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Running and running and desperate gasping breaths and pulling Charlie by his wrist because they had to get out before things got worse but where did they go and -</em>
</p><p>James knew when he left there was no other choice. 13 years old and scared out of his mind, scared of what his existence meant to his <em>family.</em></p><p>And Charlie was like him, they only shared 18% of their DNA but it was enough to be abominations. And that meant he had to take him with him, before they were killed or much much worse.</p><p>That was all he’d been thinking, he’d been so scared he had run the second he could, with what little he could carry, barely able to get Charlie awake and coherent enough to go. They had to sneak past the adults and the walls and then somehow figure out where to go from there.</p><p>They couldn’t risk another colony, and how could they stay on their own? How could he keep them alive?</p><p>He’d been so stupid to go at night. So stupid to take advantage of more people asleep. So so <em>stupid.</em></p><p>
  <em>Screeching, growling, and a strange scent and he turned to tell Charlie to hide or run or something and then he’d been flat on his back and black eyes bore into his own and those clawed hands grabbed at him at his pants and tore them off and he was screaming and make it stop make it stop make it stop - </em>
</p><p>He had none of their features. He didn’t have fangs, his eyes didn’t glow. But his scent, deep down, was wrong. A human wouldn’t make him, but a Feral could. </p><p>(And a Feral in heat would do whatever it took to find a mate and he was the older one older than Charlie and - )</p><p>He doesn’t remember much in the year that followed that. </p><p>He knows he (somehow) kept them alive but barely. He knows he didn’t speak much, and Charlie followed suit. He knows he did it so he wouldn’t snap or snarl. It took everything in him to allow the younger boy to sleep next to him, to choke down his screams when he’d jolt awake (whenever he managed to sleep at all). To try and make things seem any better than they were.</p><p>Some part of him had not been relieved when Cassie found them. Some part wished no one would get near them ever again and they’d just stay in the woods alone until he faded away.</p><p>But Charlie didn’t deserve that, so he let her take them with her, and reminded himself that humans could be safe. Or at least safer.</p><p>When everything had ended he wasn’t surprised. Why would a good thing stay in their lives?</p><p>No, the more surprising thing had been Bellamy grabbing them and getting them out and finding ways to keep them alive. </p><p>But then the deals had started. And it’d only given him reason to hate Infected even more. Of course they demanded something horrible in return for food, for a <em>chance</em> to survive.</p><p>(And if he wasn’t a <em>coward</em> he would’ve offered to be the one getting hurt, but he was, he was a coward).</p><p>When Bellamy told them Ana wanted to bring them in, “free of charge,” he’d almost laughed, instead he’d yelled something at them. Told them it was a terrible idea, some kind of trap.</p><p>
  <em>”You’re going to get us all killed.” And something in their expression crumbled because they were trying so hard - </em>
</p><p>But he’d been overruled, and he’d almost walked off, but Charlie looked hurt and confused and was already leaning toward Bellamy. And a small dark part of him thought “let him go and he’ll learn the hard way” but he couldn’t do that he <em>couldn’t</em> leave Charlie with them. He had to protect him, that was his job, that was all he had.</p><p>He doesn’t buy any of this. He doesn’t believe Ana, he doesn’t think suddenly a Bright decided to be altruistic. </p><p>He’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hoo boy, I did it. I've written stuff related to trauma, and talked about possession, but I've never actually tackled such horrific subject matter, and I wasn't sure if I could or should, but it felt like it was right to do here. I hope you're all doing okay.</p><p>Some things to explain. James and Charlie are technically Brights, and they are cousins, and were raised in a colony by their parents. However the virus has been evolving (slowly) and it manifests much differently with them. They do have enhanced strength and senses (and their teeth are SLIGHTLY sharp, nothing you'd notice on a glance), but they do not have glowing eyes, and their scents are so muffled it'd be hard to pick up on. Especially as no one is expecting this, so they're not looking for it. (This is why Ana doesn't realize they're not human).</p><p>Their parents (and their colony in general) viewed their existence as a "threat" to their own, and were likely planning on trying to experiment on them to figure it out, or they would have simply killed them. They mistreated them both, and James finally realized if he didn't get out (and didn't get Charlie out) it would get them killed. Unfortunately he got them out at a time when Ferals were wondering (remember, they can't go out during the day) and yes, Ferals go into heat (Brights do not) and want to breed. Normally this is not a problem, but in this case, James smelled similar enough to a Feral that it "counted" in her mind. Brights could be at risk too but most of them are going to be able to handle themselves, James was a kid who was caught off guard.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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